kiyowaramiyuki

Sometimes growth is frustrating.  I am in a period of rapid and deep growth, and I find myself having a very hard time having compassion for myself.  I wonder sometimes how I can teach when I seem to have to so little patience, especially with myself.  

Last week I was supposed to chant for 5 minutes per day.  That seemed a simple assignment, but it was apparently more or less beyond my ability to commit to.  I love to chant, but I do not really enjoy chanting just a name and that was the assignment.  I'm not sure what exactly was/is driving my resistance, but I felt like the proverbial horse - you could drag me to water, but I certainly couldn't make myself drink.

New week, new work, and new Work...some of the Work I need to will rock my foundations, and I'm not happy about it.  Oh wait, I don't have strong foundations to begin with!  That's what I'm working on right now: building foundations to replace the crumbling and dysfunctional foundations of my childhood, new structures that will take me forward from this point, here and now.

There is so much going in my life right now that it is hard to even express the things that are changing, growing, and happening at the moment.  Everything feels very intense, though I have more spaciousness in my internal landscape than I think I have ever had before.  I feel filled with Joy, so full that my cup runneth over and I yearn to share this with everyone.  Even when I feel sad or scared, there is still Joy running as an undercurrent in and through my spirit.  I feel free in ways I have never felt.  I feel like a child able to run and play without care; many of you know that I simply didn't get to experience that in the childhood of my current incarnation.

I practice now, every day, and it is making all the difference.  Instead of events kicking me to the gutter, I am able to see the transient nature of day to day happenings.  I am more likely to bounce back quickly when faced with difficult tasks or events.  It is like developing a safe, nurturing egg in my center where I can always return to and emerge refreshed. 

Breathe.

Contemplating yezida 's post from a couple of days ago on fear, I was reminded of a turn of phrase I thought of a few years ago.

This is all there is.

There are so many ways to read that simple sentence.  You could read it as a limitation, yet another way to voice the sense of lack that our culture is so fond of, the idea that there is NO abundance, that everything that is given will be taken away somewhere else.  On the other hand, you could read it with the emphasis on a different word and completely change the meaning of the sentence.  This way of reading the words tries to encompass the enormity of Existence, that all is one, not just humans but all of Creation.

I fear loss.  I fear change.  Change equals loss in my animal hind brain.  But, what if I look at this differently?  I am a gripper, a holder, struggling to hold onto things and people because I fear losing them, losing myself.  The most important things in the Universe are the only REAL things...Love, Love, Love.  Love cannot die.  It can - and does - change.  It exists illogically, irrationally, non-linearly, whether I like it or not! 

So, what am I so afraid of?  At the end, only Love will remain.  All else is just illusion.

I have achieved the answer to the Life, The Universe, blah, blah, blah: 42.  Now, what the heck are the questions again?

It has been a quiet and lovely day so far.  punkmom fixed sausage and egg griddles for me, and they were really tasty!  N came over and we went up to Dana Street Roasting Company for a cuppa and some knitting.  I am now sitting at home, in blessed silence, enjoying a coffee from Caffino prior to heading up to The Shop to join the rest of the family and go to dinner - Amici's in Mountain View!  It's one of the few places on the planet that I get to enjoy a pizza and beer in a restaurant!  They have a glorious gluten free menu, with beer, and I've been looking forward to it all week!

I hope everyone's day is as peaceful as mine has been.

the teacher appears.  At least that's what I remember this old saying to say.  I wasn't counting on the teacher arriving like a house falling on my head!

I have spent my entire life not willing to commit to any particular tradition.  It just didn't make sense.  My mind catches information as it flies by, and like fly paper it all sticks.  I end up with a brewing kettle of information forming new ideas all the time and the result has left me with the idea that there is a much, much bigger picture out there than any box can contain.  Consequently, I have managed to avoid to committing to a path of real work in the spiritual sense, even as I have been led to teach and support others. 

It's my turn now.  I believe that I have found a teacher who is enough ahead of me on this path to clear the way.  For once, I may not have to do all the brush clearing, and maybe, just maybe, I can allow myself to take the easier path.  It's a tall order for me, so I'm sure I'll manage to find many ways to make this more difficult.  I have hope that I can learn new ways of doing things that will work better for me, and allow me to really be *me*.

Namaste

It's been quite and adventure trekking to Sock Summit.  The drive up was beautiful, and both traffic-wise and mechanically uneventful. You really can't ask for much more than that on a long drive.

The first day here was difficult.  I was apparently not in phase with anyone else, but we did manage to acquire a new bike...a mtn bike for Ru that I am using while we're here to keep my knee in training.  Getting in that workout makes such a huge difference to keeping me balanced. 

The opening preview of the Market went well. Folks are really pleased with N and punkmom 's dyeing...the yarns look wonderful in the booth!  Thanks much to Emma's Mom and KathyInSanJose for helping set up the booth and doing such a great job!

I have to mention the restaurant where we have acquire dinner two nights running. It's called Burgerville, and they have been really great dealing with the whole GF thing.  Pretty much their whole ingredient lists are on the web!

Okay, now that I've finished updating the accounting (Oh, fun!), I'm over to the market floor to give breaks to the folks who have been in the booth since 8:30 a.m. this morning!

I am having so much fun knitting up the second sock on the Flat Feet for Kaye!  It's really interesting to watch how the colors move from the knitted blank to the sock, and I'm enjoying the process of trying to reproduce the first sock since I worked from a pattern inside my twisty little brain! 

I also did a LOT of spinning over the last few days.  I finished up plying the Redfish Dyeworks superfine merino and silk that I was spinning, and started on the Black Sun colorway of the corriedale pencil roving that I acquired from Crown Mountain.  The fiber is practically spinning itself.  I am spinning a slightly larger single that I usually spin, 26-28 wpi (wraps per inch), with the intention of creating a 4-ply worsted with which to knit the Book Lover's Vest from Folk Vests.  I have wanted to knit this vest for years, and this yarn is going to be just perfect for it!

Now, I have to go and tie yarn so that punkmom and N can dye more beautiful Purl Up & Dye for Sock Summit.  This is the last dye run before we head out, so they'll be at the dye pots all day tomorrow while I tend things up front.  I'm hoping to see more of the wonderful Frog Tree yarns headed to homes where they will be knit up into fabulous new things!

It was a interesting day.  Not really in the fortune cookie sense, but still...I did have a fun time a The Shop, and even got some good work done there.  My evening was wonderful!  T and I are celebrating 13 years of marriage as of tomorrow, and we went out tonight to see Harry Potter 6 and have dinner in honor of the occasion.  Thank you, Sweetie!

What a pleasant surprise then to come home and see AuntiSocial and Erik here to play wii with punkmom !  I sat down to watch the fun - and even played a little - as they enjoyed Boogie.  It was fun, even I don't really have the controls figured out!

Tomorrow will be a bit busy as I will be packing in the morning for a trip to see Hearst Castle with punkmom, T, and Ru on Tuesday.  I have to do the packing part amongst going to yoga in the morning, getting to the bank and to work, where I have a meeting and a private lesson scheduled across the afternoon.  I'm hoping I can squeeze all that in to the available space/time continuum!

We are also in a 2 week countdown to leaving for Sock Summit!  I'm really excited at having this opportunity both to take our shop on the road and to actually see Portland.  I've always just driven through Portland, and I understand that it's a beautiful city.  We'll be closing the shop for the trip, from August 4-11, 2009; we'll re-open on the 12th and I'm sure we'll have plenty of stories to tell!

Ru or I may get to come home with a new bicycle as part of the trip: the hotel where we're staying has a pool and treadmills, but no exercise bike.  After some thought, T pointed out that it may be cheaper to just buy another bike rather than rent one.  Ru needs a new one anyway, and one that fits her will fit me, too.  My bike trainer is a very small, folding unit, so we can just throw that into one of the cars headed up to Portland.  It should be interesting!  If anyone has recommnedations for bike shops in Portland, especially in the downtown area, please let me know!   If possible, I'd much rather spend my dollars at a family owned or other small business than a chain store.

For now, off to make tea and go to bed. Night all!

It was amazing yesterday to watch as the wonderful 1-800-Got-Junk folks cleared away the ENORMOUS pile of trash, junk, etc., that we compiled over the last few weeks.  What a wonderful, light feeling it was to realize how big our back yard really is without all that *stuff*; it was upon completion of the clearing that I realized how long it had been since we had had that much clear space.  Whew!  What a relief!  So, if you ever need things hauled away, please do give these folks a call.  We've worked with them several times now, always a good experience.  For those of you on Facebook, I believe that T posted pictures there of the whole operation as it progressed.

The shop is doing well right now, and I am ever so grateful to all of you wonderful people that make my work there so rewarding.  It is truly a joy to work at one's passion, and to have such great folks along for the ride is a priceless gift.  Thank you!

Speaking of which, Friday is Late Night Knits again!  We're open 'till 11 p.m., and we will have our usual LNK movie starting around 8 p.m.  This month we will be watching Chicago, a favorite of mine. I can't promise not to sing along!

In the fitness arena, I am pleased to report some real progress.  I had a private lesson yesterday with Willow Glen Yoga founder Kent Bond, and he was able to help me find some excellent ways to not only re-strengthen my right leg, but to also work towards convincing the musculature to work together again.  My frustration with physical therapy is that they have been unable to help me get real muscle response from the atrophied leg. I feel like I just might be on the right track now.  Thank you, Kent!

I also dragged my butt onto the bike again today...and noticed a real difference in the amount of work that my leg was willing to do!  Yeah!

And now, off to find a soothing glass of wine and a little spinning before bed.  'Night all!

Running saved my life... or at least my sanity.  At one point, I was looking at having to medicate for depression.  I started running, and running allowed me to take control of my blood sugar.  I did not need medication - I needed structure and discipline, in that order.  The structure gave me the safety to build the discipline.

Then it all fell apart when the source of my childhood abuse came back into my life.  I really didn't understand at the time how serious the impact would be.  The results have been mixed: I broke contact with my birth family, which was not only good, but necessary, but I also lost control of my blood sugar again and gained a fantastic 50 lbs.  Because I have hypoglycemia, low blood sugar, it's not like there is a medication I can take to help with the management of my blood sugar.  Nutrition and exercise are my only two avenues, and some of the medications I take for my breathing cause my blood sugar to be even more volatile. 

Now, I am faced with the very real possibility that I will no longer be able to run at all. It's been several years of battling my right knee, having it off and on be too painful to even try to run.  This Spring I was faced with pain sufficiently debilitating that I was no longer able to walk on the leg.  By the time I got into surgery on the knee, I had suffered a large amount of muscle atrophy in that leg because I simply couldn't use it.  Five weeks post-surgery, when I flat out asked the doctor if I would be able to run again, he wryly smiled and told me that if I could get ALL the muscle tone back in the leg AND be at my ideal weight, then I could try it.  

I still have hope that I will run again.  Running gives me a sense of peace that no other exercise has ever given me.  However, that hope is dwindling every day now.  Instead, I'm trying to learn to love bicycling the way I loved running; it's not the same, but I have to have that kind of constant motion to balance my body, heart, and mind.  Without it, my spirit simply does not flow with the flow of life.  I end up fighting even to breathe, let alone try to thrive.

Because I don't love cycling the way I love running, it's very hard to be motivated to create the structure that lends strength to discipline.  I'm not sure how this is going to end up, but I do know that I want to be able to move freely through the rest of my life.  Right now, the choice to have mobility going forward or not is mine and mine alone.  I know that events can occur that steal away mobility without my consent, but at least this time I do have the power to change my future.  I just don't know if I have the discipline.

It was the first day back at The Shop today.  It went pretty well, though I did end up spending the entirety of the day in the office.  Running a business is often full of paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork, but it's okay.  I end up feeling quite good when the papers relatively under control. 

It was nice to see folks again today, and while I enjoyed my vacation, I also enjoy my work very much.

In other news, I had a mammogram on Monday, and I'm happy to report that it's all normal. :)  This one place where I am absolutely thrilled to be normal!  Just remember, folks, MAMMOGRAMS ARE IMPORTANT! 

I am now looking forward to a bit of spinning and a good night's sleep.  I have physical therapy tomorrow, and I'm curious to see how the knee assesses out after the week's vacation.  I worked the leg pretty hard across the days off, and I'm hoping that some progress has been made.